When I was pregnant in 2004. I knew Ethan was a boy, everything in my body told me, by the way he booted me from the inside. We didn't find out but I knew, the entire time I knew, so upon his arrival it was no shock when they put him in a little blue hat and passed him to Jack, we were elated and over joyed and I stared at him all night I couldn't believe he was mine. Everything about him was so perfect, I couldn't stop looking at his eyes, so shiny and new.
Mid 2006 I was expecting my second, I was unsettled and undecided on the gender, I couldn't allow myself to think I was expecting a girl but I hoped and dreamed that I'd have a daughter, after having a little boy it would be lovely to have one of each. I wanted to buy little tights and small dresses and everything in the shops was so lovely for little girls.
I had the most traumatic birth out of all my births with Lily, the hospital had been lockdown for the first time in 12 years, it was at full capacity, staff were over stretched, over worked and swearing; it was a stressful three days. I went through 39 hours of labouring, three minutes of pushing, a placenta rupture, followed by an emergency c-section. I was put to sleep because they had put my epidural in wrong (which caused another drama) and when I woke Jack was holding a pink bald little girl.
I had no idea who she was.
It wasn't like with Ethan, where I had immediately recognised him, Ethan had arrived and been placed in my arm. I could see his small curls slicked against his freshly aired skin, but Lily didn't look either Jack or I, she had no hair (it took along time for her to have hair.) I was heavily drugged and I felt so confused and I asked Jack if he'd seen her come out because I wasn't convinced we'd been given the right baby. Of course that was the drugs and exhaustion talking.
Of course we'd been given the right baby, it just so happened that Lily wasn't destined to have curls, she has grown into the image of my mother, she's beautiful and strong willed and very much her own person, sassy and out spoken, she's wonderful and she's nothing like me.
Ethan my eldest son is very much like me, not to look at because he's six foot tall and a boy but we share similar dark humour, a love for films, comics and has a very soft nature.
It's ironic. I just assumed that a daughter would be an image of myself. but as I bought pink converse and small dresses, I realised, I was a tom boy at heart. I loved black and tree climbing, although I have a love for children and babies, I've never liked dolls or girly toys, I don't know what I expected Lily to be like, but she was girly and I was not.
My mum had said to me great, you've got one of each, after the trouble lily caused coming into the world she was frightened about my having more children, after all she had had two children, she thought I should be happy and not put myself at risk by having more children, but of course I had set my heart of a large family and so that was never going to happen.
When number three was on his way again I never found out what I was having, I assumed that because I had one of each it didn't matter, I mean ultimately it doesn't. I'm the eldest of two sisters, I had assumed lily would have a sister, they would be close and I assumed I would now have two girls because my mum had two girls, but Felix arrived, followed by Oscar and then followed by Dexter.
Three boys in a row, I couldn't believe it, I mean its meant to be 50/50 and Oscar I had expected to be a girl, he was petite and gentle and my pregnancy mimicked that of Lilys, I was so convinced I put a small pink baby grow buried underneath all my essentials, but it wasn't meant to be.
When we had Dexter, he was breach, as we waited for our baby Jack peered over the green partition, he could see a bottom and balls being lifted out of my abdomen, he said there and then ' Rach it's another boy!' I responded with ' go figure' and a small tear rolled down the side of my face. I felt guilt for feeling a twinge of disappointment, because the minute they put him into my arms,I told him 'He was meant to be, we were meant to be best friends' and I feel in love with him instantly.
But it would be a lie say that I wasn't hoping for another little girl, I had a sister myself and never had brothers, yet here was poor Lily, with four brothers.
Of course when life is in full swing, it doesn't matter only the love and health of you children matter, you see each personality and love them for who they are but lets be honest there is a huge stigma around, gender selection and the taboo of not being over the moon if you yearn for a child that's opposite to what you've been gifted.
This came to light this year when a close family member had found out she was expecting a girl, she was over the moon, envisaging life ahead with her own mini me. We bought everything ready, the bump was named, beautifully delicate outfits were at the ready. We were all so excited for babies arrival.
After a difficult labour and emergency c- section the theatre fell silent, they asked dad to come over and they revealed that the baby was in fact a little boy.
Hours later when the news broke, my relative was deeply distressed and heartbroken, she felt like she'd lost the little girl she'd been excited to meet, she had a nursery at home waiting for a child that was never destined, and despite the beautiful little boy that play in his little plastic bed beside her, it took time to adapt to such change.
His father was instantly in love, i'm sure he was shocked, I'm sure he was taken back by the shock revelation, but a little boy for a man is never ill received and he instantly gushed over the arrival of his little man.
I do not blame his mother for feeling so confused, sleep deprived, drugged and in pain from major surgery, her mind must have been whirling and her hormones must have been toying with her emotions. Despite kind words and adoring coos over her son in the early weeks, she couldn't hide her sadness and disappointment. And that's ok.
More than understandable in the circumstances. As the hours went on the midwives and people on the fringes of her life, would comment, 'oh well, ' and 'yes that's a shock but you got a baby' making no room or allowances for the emotional rollercoaster she's been on, this was her first baby and the whole thing had been spun upside down by being told one thing and receiving another. Within that first day, society had screamed, put you grief and shock aside and be grateful for what you have. Yet we all know that the baby blues and having to put your new baby in a borrowed hospital grow, is good for no new mother.
As new motherhood continued and the days moved further away from that day and she recovered physically and mentally, it mattered no more, he's a beloved little boy, loved and adored, but the memory has left a mark, she will never find out any of her future children gender and with a loft full of girls clothes and possessions, she hopes one day a little girl my be in her future and she does have that chance.
Obviously there are so many couples that yearn for a baby, any baby and the idea of any disappointment is unbelievable to them, further strengthening the societal taboo against feeling disappointment, followed by guilt and plastering on a smile because you should be happy, but feelings are just feelings and we have to accept them for whatever they are.
I have many close friends, none of them have near the amount of children we have, but together we are a boy heavy group, with girls speckled amongst them. Its great when they all get together and for Jack and ,I we are grateful for all our babies, even if there is an uneven ratio to our tribe. We are beyond lucky to have five boy and two girls, but for one friend that has nothing but boys, its the loss of a future you'd hoped for and I can understand that.
Living in a testosterone filled house with charging boys, always fiddling with their winkies and picking their noses, without any other female influence in the house it must be very different from my own life. I have a balance in our household, but only just.
In our house Lily and Trixie's girliness is never overpowered by the boys. Wafting princess dresses, platting of hair, nail painting and high pitched singing are a few of their tactics to never be drowned out and that coincides nicely, with rude toilet humour, weird explosion noises, lightsaber fights and farting. But I at least have the luxury to escape some of the boy stuff and indulge in some girl time, or vice verser because I am more of a tom boy myself.
For a woman that has numerous sons, every pregnancy they are asked if their going for the girl. I'm sure on more than one occasion rather than having to say, ' We're just hoping for a healthy baby!' They want to scream ' Yes of course's I'm going for the f*cking girl!'
Is it rare to find a man that wouldn't like a son and a woman that wouldn't like a daughter? I have to say I'm glad I had boys, they are incredibly loving, but again I can say that having a mix of both genders.
I know the draw of little tights, dresses and mummy time with a little girl is alluring and a dream when you've only been able to buy for boys, not only that but sharing interests and spending time together in future years and sharing a close relationship is the stuff of dreams, but just because mothers and daughters are meant to be close doesn't always mean that's the case.
My nan had four daughters and two sons, she'd say to me 'you'll have a daughter for life but a son till he takes a wife'.
That has stuck with me for life, I think my husband hasn't lived by that, he's very much involved in his parents lives and we see them daily, but for most mothers of sons, the role of secondary grandma is in their future. Having five boys, I worry most about having to be invited to be involved in my future grandchildren lives. Most girls when they have babies, go back to their mothers for help and advice and I wonder if in years to come I'll have to wait patiently on the sidelines to be included, there's always the notorious, steriotypical mother -in-law hatred from daughters in laws, I worry I'll have to navigate through.
Let's face it, whether my children are, straight, gay, non binary, whatever their choice in partner, the future is unknown and they might all take a disliking to me. Of course I'm hoping not because i'm skilled in making a mean Sunday roast for the masses.
My conclusion on this is, not everyone suffers from gender disappointment and I'm sure its fleeting for those that do, but whether its a tinge of disappointment or something more, its ok, because the ability to love overrules in the end and as humans, our mentality can't be defined by the way everyone else thinks. We are who we are and we want what we want, but at the end of the day if we're given a boy or a girl, once they are here, they are ours and it'm impossible not to adore them.
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