I encouraged Rach to go home. There was no way we were hearing from the doctors this evening; it had gone eleven and I settled down in the chair next to Dexter, as he slept deeply, his nose whistling.
I could hear staff outside, conversing before there was a knock at the door.
Now silent, two doctors and a nurse entered the room. A thin man, a doctor in his 40's walked round the bed and sat in a chair opposite me, leaving his co-workers stood at Dexters bed side, he dithered about for what felt like an age.
'Is your wife coming back? He said, I shook my head. He continued.
' These scans they show unusual things, things were not expecting to see, and sometimes as it indicates with Dexter, that thing could perhaps be a mass . Some times cells do funny things and they go wrong. These masses can cause trouble, they can be aggressive... and these can sometimes be masses that are just there, and sometimes these things like in Dexters cases are..'
I was filled with dread, he didn't have to tell me or say the C word for me to know where he was going. I was dreading telling Rach, I knew she'd been so emotional already, she was pregnant and I was going to have to break it to her that our son, little Dexter, had cancer. I just wanted the doctor to tell me what we were going to do.
I Couldn't believe it when he went on to tell me that the mass inside Dexters face was the size of a tennis ball. I had messaged Rach to come back, she was in the bath when she rang, I just told her calmly she needed to come back. I felt like I had to be calm, hold it together, be stable and cool in that moment because I knew how distressed she'd be.
While I waited for Rach, he said my work would have to stop, that a diagnosis like this effects your whole life, everyone in the family, and that life is put on hold for a year, maybe more. That we could be living in hospital for up to a year. I felt nothing but shock and it was a daunting prospect, that our happy family life would come to a stop, that the life we had as of yesterday was now forever changed.
Rach wasn't long, she opened the door and Doctors all stood up and made way for her to come in. They left us for a moment, so I could tell her the devastating news. I could tell she already knew, but I had to let the words come out of my mouth. I hugged her tightly as she sobbed and the reality of it being said out loud, made the fear and truth real and we both could feel the weight of it.
After a few minutes the doctors returned to ensure Rach was talked through the information they had shared with me earlier, she asked if it might not be cancer and they said it was unlikely it wouldn't be because of how it had eaten through the bone. He went on to explain it can be as simple as cells left over from inside the womb and its just one of those things.
They explained Dexter would be going to a specialist cancer ward first thing in the morning and that we would see very poorly children, it might shock us seeing some of the poorly children, wires hanging out of their bodies, scars on their heads and thin frail little bodies. That we would maybe find it all very distressing.
Rach and I had been ringing our loved ones; I couldn't get through to my parents. After talking for an hour I encouraged Rach to go home and get some rest, before coming back with our things for the morning.
Left alone in the room, I just sat in the chair, ringing my parents, repeatedly. I eventually got hold of my sister and as I spoke to her, the severity of the situation hit me again, I was sat in the little dark room watching over my little boy, huddled on a reclining plastic covered chair. I just wanted my siblings and parents to know , because it was so urgent to get Dexter transferred in the morning. I had to accept that my focus had shifted in a heartbeat from work to solely trying to save Dexter's life, wondering if we could.
Even when I put the phone down, I was left, my mind fumbling and racing, tying to process the news, what did it mean? How did it happen? What do we do next? I just felt so grateful that the Wednesday before I'd handed huge chunks of my digital plan over to my sister, it felt surreal, had I known this was going to happen? I just sat looking at all the family photos of Dexter with us all. I felt a deep disbelief that this was happening to us.
I woke at 4:30 and Rach was sat in my parents kitchen, explaining the devastating news. I called and I was put on speaker phone, my dad was trying to be supportive and pragmatic , his tone was unemotional, shock maybe, he spoke mainly about not worrying about work and putting our focus on getting Dexter well. My mum didn't say much, I imagine she was over come with emotion and shock.
Then I just sat. Until Dexter woke at 6am. He was very still and sedate.
Rach and I messaged back and fourth, discussing how she'd break the news to the children back home. As light broke and we edged toward seven, I messaged work people. Until the time came round and Rach and the kids turned up.
Dexter sprung to life when the children burst through the door, you could see he just loves being with his brothers and sister. The children were so good at not being emotional in front of him, so incredibly strong and unbeat, enthusiastically chatting with him.
The nurse had told us that the 8am transfer had been pushed back because they were waiting to hear from Southampton as they didn't have a bed available as yet, but they would be.
I decided to walk the kids home, have a shower and visit my parents.
Surrounded by my children, I told them how impressed I was with how they were coping with the situation, we walked up the hill, the only relief was the cold air hitting me.
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