Relationships and connections we have with people are built over common interest, time, blood or maybe shared experiences.
What we have experienced as a family for the last 18 months has touched every corner of our family, the highest strongest stones have faltered under the strain of Dexters cancer, my Dad an ex sergeant major, the softest and strongest man I know has made it his mission to jolly Dexter along, to let him know that every day he was fighting, Grandand Tatchell was thinking of him.
It has hurt us in ways the can't be undone and it hurts noone more than Jack and I, watching and guiding Dexter through catastrophic treatment, that's broken his body apart, burnt him from the inside out and poisoned him to an inch of his life, its been awful for him and unbearable to watch.
It's effected every one of our children and has tested everything in our lives, our resilience, our strength, our love, friendships and relationships especially when we have weeks leading us to the impending scan; the realties of the situation, that the tumour could spring in to action on any given day and we can't get that fucking thing out of his face. I personally focus on other things, smaller stresses, the cruel rumours or the unkindness that have been said and I have attempted to be dignified throughout, I've watched Jack struggle with unnecessary pressures and yet other people's 'stuff' still needs to be taken into account. Fault always seems to lie with us because we are the ones decent enough to keep making an effort and offer civility, because we see reconciling our broken relationships makes it easier for others, not for us, but for the rest of the family.
The cancer has uncovered and broken apart the relationships we plastered together, those relationships couldn't withstand the strain of our situation. That doesn't mean that when the anger and the rumour mill stops turning it doesn't disappoint me. The truth is, if bad feeling and hardship is all they add to our lives, why should anyone continue with that?
I was born into a large family, all my relatives live in Leicester and when I was with them, I was loved and spoilt. I had the best childhood and I felt complete acceptance with my cousins, they were who I longed to see every Christmas and every summer. My nan made a lasting impression on me, she had six children and I always thought I would have six, because I loved the social vibrancy the bond between the siblings and the support. When my aunt died I was twelve and I couldn't believe the she was taken from a family that loved her so much. Looking out of the window at her siblings supporting my nan, who was a stoic strong woman in her own right, seeing the funeral cars across the street, has stayed with me forever.
The idea of burying my child hasn't left me, even now we are out of critical treatment. I have planned the dreadful affair down to the finishing details in the early lonely hours of the morning, when the creeping dread plays it out like a movie in my mind. Maybe its just because I'm a writer and currently studying screen writing this is how my mind processes these moments, the camera spans in and the dramatic side of me watches myself lift my dark gothic veil as I look on the black beautiful horses that pull the funeral cart.
The day is dark and the clouds darken and crack open as we follow, the rest of the children, Jack, myself all follow the coffin, drenched in black as we follow, the black parade that will be tethered to our missing part forever.
I did warn I see it in a dramatic fashion, but either way its a nightmare that can play for hours when I'm in the darkest of moods. I think these dreads, these mind worms have taken up the parts of me I wold have used to tolerate, irritations, family dramas and the things that now ultimately don't matter to me. The intrusive morbid thoughts aren't continuous but my lack of tolerance for bullshit now is. Nothing can hurt me like it did, the pettiness of humanity and its spoilt wants and desires, fill me with disgust and distain, how do people dare worry and bitch about nothing, when there are real problems, uncontrollable problems.
Family has been my sole focus my entire life, I didn't have many friends in first school and so throughout my life I've focused on being the best friend I can be, I want to keep friends, if your good to me you'll have a friend for life.
I had a perfect childhood with my parents and loved ones, I was too young to realise that their was arguments and fall outs between my uncles and aunts. I saw the family through rose tinted glasses and I knew that when I grew up I was going to have a big family of my own. I've filled my life with the belief we should be together and close as we can, that we're family and that it's an institution built on love and blood, but the truth is, as you grow up you realise its not as simple as that and really those friends you've invested in, they are the family you choose. I am so lucky I have more than a couple of good friends, I have an army of good friends, as does Jack who have rallied behind us. One of my friends of 25 years sent me slapstick memes of people falling over most days in my saddest weeks because she knew that it would make me laugh and for the second it would lift me from my sadness, I'm so grateful that people know me.
As a child you can't force anyone ever being as close to you as your family, the people you've grown up with but from the age of about fifteen you're shaping and moulding your own future and destiny and friends become a huge part of your life, that are equally as close to you, well they are to me. Our friends, like our family are irreplaceable and I love them so deeply and I'm so grateful for how they treat and love me, here's a few of them, Feb 2020.
From personal experience being soft-natured family members never goes in your favour, not if you're together and strong. It becomes expected that you'll ignore the snipes, the rudeness and bad behaviour. That all the cutting remarks masked with a jokey tone is funny because that's what the other family member wants it to be able to get away with.
Jack and I have faked it for years all because we felt we had to make up for having a child at 20, it was seen as too young and therefore, we are not allowed to outrun the narrative of how that story was told and portrayed by others. Thats not their problem that they tainted peoples opinions of us because they bullied and battered us over their psychological bullshit in their own lives. So for nearly 16 years we tried to undo the wrongs, make lovely moments, tie it all together so that the past could be buried, and we have a good relationship now, but with others they have been stirring the pot, poking the bear and causing trouble for the past 17 years, Whispering bullshit and twisting stories to make us black sheep.
22 years , 7 children and an amazing life later and they're still judging.
I've been irritated and hurt for years, the feeling of making continuous efforts, to build bridges and to make the family moments count, matter when not everyone reciprocates, shows up or sees the value in the person I am. They find it funny to mock and embarrass me if I say the wrong word, or do the wrong thing and I've always felt inferior. When you're then represented as ' poison in the family' when that person misses everything we used to have between our family's, that shows that they didn't think you were weak at all, they found you a threat, that they knew all along you offered a lot and they just took advantage of your kindness.
Dexter being ill made me stop in my tracks, it was like a hole had been blown right through my body and internally the cancer seeped and consumed every part of my thinking. Sludging through a river of grief and pain, the resistance against my ankles as I tried to wade towards the idea we would get through this. Jack would be up ahead and when I was exhausted and wilting he would grab my hand and take some of the weight for me, help me mentally keep going, in the days where crying hurt my body because it ached with the heartache.
After that initial shock, a week in when we realised how rare our situation was, I remember pulling every fibre of strength from within myself and deciding I wasn't going to dwell I was going to be strong and enjoy the family we have built, for every day we have it. It was a choice and that was the moment when I shed any weight of people that didn't matter any longer. Jack and I couldn't shoulder their pettiness off of the back of their regret, we all make our decisions and if you were a person who couldn't look beyond yourself in that time, you couldn't cope or hated the approach we took, that's your issue, we were and are an independent family that pulled together to keep ourselves strong.
I have never disliked and hated people more within this journey, its highlighted peoples true natures, the good the bad and the ugly. Being locked out of someones life, when your favourite thing to do was judge them, spred gossip and be vindictive in a time when support or hanging in the wings is all that's required, shows self centredness.
It took Dexters illness for us to see that we don't have to be the accommodating ones, the ones that accept bad behaviour and bullying because that suits those in question, we are adults in our own rights. We have our children's interests at heart and no one has a right to tell us what behaviours we should or shouldn't accept, who has a right to stand at our Childs hospital bed when they spit venom at us when our backs are turned.
Faking that everything is alright for years because 'well, you know what their like.' well its not alright and in the end when the cracks show, that helps no one, because the truth is, not all families are happier together. We all have different ambitions, beliefs and ways of parenting, yet Jack has been hurt and battered our entire relationship, I can't understand it. He's my favourite person and the kindest man, but his life is a continuous uphill battle and I'm glad he's got support as its been brutal to watch on some occasions.
Theres always excuses why people can't give proper emotional support but we know even with everything on our plates if
If you needed me, I'd be there. If you broke a foot, got cancer or had a death in the family, I'd be there there for you because I want to be, not for the attention it brings me, or the self validation, so I can tell the world the story of the drama your living, i'm not a ' coffin chaser' I'm a person who wants to help everyone I know because I'm so lucky, and if you have my help you have Jacks too.
Sadly now I'm not the person I used to be, I'd help blindly at any turn, not anymore.
I want to feel like a valued friend or family member if i'm going to share my precious time, energy or thoughts now. I don't have any of those resources to waste on anyone unworthy of them because these might be the happiest days of our families lives and I believe and I hope the future is bright, but just incase it's not, I'm not wasting a second of energy on people that aren't worthy, my forgiveness is too costly.
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