Dreaming of a white Christmas

My sister and I were brought up in the Lulworth a quiet picturesque village on the edge of the south coast.

Snuggled inside the secure gates of an army camp. Living an idyllic life of riding our bikes round the oval into the early hours of summer evenings and afternoon water fights, after dad returned from work. All the local kids aiming their water pistols at him as he came into sight. His heavy boots running up the garden path and into the house, before he returned armed with buckets of water, sending us squealing as he drenched us all with water. Mum had put us up for a fight we were never going to win, but the joy of the memory of wet feet slapping against the bobbly path, leaving wet foot prints on concrete and wet fabric sticking to my legs is a fond memory in the summer sun.

The daily memories of eighties cycling shorts, playing in the back garden with back brushed pony tails and riding our bikes all summer, bright coloured bike spokes clanging round our wheels, you could always hear the Tatchell sisters coming.

We had a great time living on camp, playing with all the army children but the twice yearly, occasions to see our cousins were always the most exciting prospect of the year, the big one was always Christmas! At Christmas, we didn't travel in spacious luxury that children of this generation do, but now looking back, it really does take all the fun out of it having too much space.

Mum and Dad would pack me, my sister, the family golden retriever and a ridiculous amount of Christmas presents into a small green fiesta. I think my long life love for Tetris was born from watching my mum fit and unimaginable amount of stuff into that small car. The dog didn't escape, he was allocated a small pocket of space, just as we all were. Mum would pop me in a Rachel sized slot in the corner, my legs resting on a foot well of belongings, my head resting on coats and jumpers and my right arm resting on a mountain of bags and bits between me and my sister. Armed with my walkman loaded with my Micheal Jackson tape, I was happy to sit squished and squashed as we set off for the five hour Journey to see nan.

We would sit in a static car for the first fifteen minutes, watching mum jump in and out the car flinging the door back and forth as she checked the iron was off, as she checked she'd turned the oven off or locked the back door, dad huffing and puffing in the passenger seat impatiently before we set on our way.

I look at those days with such fondness, maybe its rose tinted because being a child, we don't know all the prep, planning and saving that goes into making a Christmas perfect.

Emma and I were easy travellers, the occasional 'Are we there yet?' would echo from the back seat. We just couldn't wait to get there. We couldn't wait to see nan.

The blue doored house on Walford road was always a welcome site after five hours sat in the car, moving out of the moulded shapes we'd made sitting in for so long. Tugging and shoving fallen bags to unplug our seat bags, we'd shift our bottoms, shaking off the pins and needles and brushing crisp crumbs off our laps, we'd excitedly stay inside the car, safe from the busy traffic outside. We'd wound down the window to nan, she would gentle squeeze my forearm affectionately as I waited excitedly for mum or dad to let me out of the car. The busy city road was fast and the noise was a hard contrast against the gentle winds on Lulworth camp.

Nan was a beautiful older lady, she'd always let us eat endless amounts of walkers crisps and we would sit watching telly waiting for the arrival of the family.

One by one the family members would trickle into the house, make a huge fuss of us all.

Mum being one of six, it made for an exciting time with cousins, nan was the beating heart of the family. Every christmas, I would wake up in the warmth of her home. The tree was always the highlight and our family of four for that day would become a family of five.

Then all of my cousins, aunts and uncles would cram into my Aunty Janes house, tables would be set up in every bit of space, and my nan and her daughters would be busy in the kitchen. While the boys crossed the busy road outside for some Christmas day drinking. While the children all played in a frenzy of joy to be together, pepped up on sugar and present fever.

After dinner, I would love crawling under the tables picking up discarded cracker toys with my cousin Amy , I just loved being with my cousins and I loved being with so many big personalities, it was a huge cry from just being with my sister at home.

As the day drew to an end I would always hang out upstairs in Matthews room, watching him play worms on his game console, something I didn't have, something I wanted and being a good deal older than me, I thought he was so cool being able to do what he liked. It was the most exciting day of the year, I loved every layer of it. Especially at the end of the day, all of us cramming into the small front room, to watch Christmas TV while stuffing profiteroles into our faces and passing a box of Roses round the room.

Then we'd do it all again on Boxing Day.

Those present heavy, busy chaotic christmases have stayed with me for life.

One year, my dad was so poorly we didn't go for the big Christmas in Leicester, my sister and I resentfully stayed at home, it was the worst Christmas ever, the fear of missing out was gruelling, knowing everyone was together and we were down south just us as a four, it was rubbish.

There and then it was decided that whoever I met, we'd be having a big family, ideal six children just like nan, I always wanted a busy household, I loved that everyone being together and to a child it was all blissfully seen through rose tinted glasses, none of the financing, none of the travelling, prep or cooking, just living the sheer joy of it all.

Jack knew from the start I wanted a big family, Jack was up for the challenge and I knew instantly that he was the boy for me. After Ethan's arrival when we were both 20 years old in 2004, Christmas took on a new life for us; it was less about other halves and the family fun of having children around unfolded, with each new arrival, the bigger our Christmas's became. Soon going to Leicester wasn't an easy option, we out grew nan house and traveling across the uk with a van load of presents and a van load of kids became less achievable and I wanted to be the centre of my own family Christmas.

Dressing the children up, getting matching Pj's being together crammed into one bustling house, these days leading up to Christmas are when I'm at my happiest. I love being in the kitchen, making food, endless drinks, serving leftovers and handing out cocktails. Seeing the kids play with their toys and bagging up endless wrapping paper chunks that are sprawled throughout the room of the house, the left overs from excited ripping at unknown boxes of treasure; as well as discarded stockings and slime across my floors, the glitter dresses and costumes that Santa brings I love it all.

My childhood days with my Leicester family have hugely impacted how I've been with my own children. I may remember them with a child's perspective, but who cares, they are with me and when Jack joined our family, I raved about the unity, the love and what fun our Christmas's were.

Now I'm the adult and I make sure my kids know ever event is an event worth celebrating, its worth dressing the house up for and partying like we might not do it again, and after Dexters diagnosis this has become even more apparent why we are meant to live to that mantra.

DEXTER, CHRISTMAS 2014

DEXTER CHRISTMAS 2018

It's now only July, but I'm already thinking of this coming christmas. It's got to be awesome enough to make up for last years lost christmas. Where I was wading through grief, dread and tears, sneaking off to cry where the kids wouldn't see me.

We had managed to get Dexter home by the skin of our teeth, but I didn't dress the house, I barely cooked the dinner and I didn't feel anything but huge waves of heart ache the entire time.

This year I'm thinking of having a Christmas a four day event, pre Christmas breakfast's, lunches, quizzes, and parties. I'm going to dress the house so it feels like Christmas is alive once more at the Von Tatchenstine's manor.

The coronavirus has stolen so much time off us already, for every family around the world. Lock down has given us time together but our mental health from not sharing our time, hugging our family and being kept inside our homes like caged animals has had a huge effect on everyone.

Jack and I are ready to embrace every piece of happiness that comes our way and for us Christmas is the big one. This year I'm hoping, I get to spoil my nephew, hang out with my sister and be present. Laugh and share the kitchen with my brother in law to just be together, happy. The years have moved on, the joyful christmases my parents provided for us, my aunts and uncles and my nan facilitated for us, they have left a lasting loving memory in my heart and imprinted on our future.

Nan isn't with us any more, but her kindness and caring ways live on through my mum, who's always at the kitchen sink or making Jam sandwiches or custard for Trixie and Dex. The cousins all run and play together scattered all over the house, movies and computer games blare out of every room and the boys are now living similar christmas days to what my sister and I have grown up with, it's special.

It's been a tough year but by Christmas lets hope we're all putting the joy back in and live.

I can't wait to dig out the fairy lights, pick out my own trees, wrap each present and write Christmas cards, I know the summer is here but I'm dreaming of a white Christmas.